My life coach challenged me to write blogs showing self love. It’s been something I’ve been struggling with lately. Who am I kidding, it’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I can self love from the neck up, I’m pretty horrible from the neck down. I judge myself very harshly based on my weight and I always have. I thought my weight gain might of leveled off and now I’m not so sure. It’s been disheartening to say the least. Every morning I started thanking each body part for things they do. Then I pray that I can love myself the way the universe loves me. It hasn’t helped much.
I can go through life never looking in a mirror that shows more than my face. My bedroom right now has no full length mirror. It’s easy to avoid until I get to my large closet by my front door. That closet has mirror doors. Can’t avoid it there. I wish I could be like the supermodel Ashley Graham. A plus size model who oozes sexuality and confidence, but she’s proportionately overweight, I’m not. Plus I’m short.
This blog was supposed to be about self-love, I’m really go on in the wrong direction so far. So let me tell you something I do know. Most people that know me don’t give a shit what size I am, how much I weigh, and what size I purchased my last pair of jeans in. My friends, my family and especially my dogs love me for me. They love me for the person I am not a superficial appearance on the outside. Not one of these people are friends with me because I wear a specific lipstick, because my hair was done perfectly all the time, because my clothes are designer brand, or because my body weight is specifically aligned to their specification. The only one that’s submitting harsh judgement and criticism is myself. If the world around you and the people around you are really that focused on something like that, guess what, you need new people. True friends, family and certainly pets, don’t give a shit. It’s about you as a person on the inside. If you’re a horrible person, and you’re overweight, then I can’t help you.
As far as me and my bodyweight, I still don’t have an answer. I am working out, I am eating right and I’m seeing doctors that hopefully can help me find out what’s happening. I’m doing everything I can. There’s only one thing left I can do, and that’s give myself a break.