I woke up so angry and sad. My hometown bar is closing, last night was their final night. I spent most Friday and Saturday nights from the age of 35-39 there. I wasn’t going to go, actually the one person I thought would ask me didn’t even ask me (hurt feeling #1). Then I was asked by someone unexpected. At first I said yes but then common sense kicked in. First the group of girls I used to go with, most of them weren’t going except the one who didn’t ask me to go. Second the bar has changed since I’ve gone there and I really don’t know most of the other people going, other than a small handful. Third, at the age of 39 my multiple sclerosis was significantly better. I could walk unaided to begin with back then. I’ve been there with the walker in the past few years but even then my walker was still more for safety and balance then real need, I could still hobble unaided. Now the walker is needed to actually walk. Finally the final reason was it was going to be packed and it just wasn’t a place for me with a walker who could easily get knocked into and knocked over.
Then the girls told me they were going. Every rational reasoning went out the window. It was the unexpected person that basically talked me out of it when he said he wasn’t going to go, it was going to be too busy. That’s when common sense kicked back in and I decided not to go. However I felt like the outsider again (hurt feeling #2). Not able to hang out with the cool girls I really wanted to hang with, at least they gave me an invitation. However I asked for a text to tell me I made the right decision, a text never came from anyone (hurt feeling #3). This is so silly at the age of 45. It brings up feelings I had when I was in high school being the least popular girl in a popular group. It was a very tough place to be. This is a feeling I struggled with many times with this group of girls. It would bring up the past feelings of insecurities and unworthiness of that teenage girl.
When my eyes opened this morning those feelings of insecurity were there. I was sad when my text messages showed no new messages and angry when my MS had to stop me from doing something. Then I opened my Course of Miracles workbook Lesson 190…I choose the joy of God instead of pain. “It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing in your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. No one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are.” To sum it up, your Ego aka thoughts are what make you sad or happy. The truth is there was no ill intentions on anyone’s part to hurt me my thoughts are creating a feeling of hurt. It’s not real. Just like going to the bar last night, I didn’t miss anything, I’ve been there maybe 10 times in five years, what was I missing? My thoughts are creating a false impression of an attachment to a place I haven’t even visited based on my past experience. Basically I have the power to choose to think differently and so I did. I’m not that girl from high school and I’m also not that girl who was able to walk. That was the past and that is over. I’m not Josey Grossey a line from Never Been Kissed about a girl who goes back to high school. First time around she didn’t fit in but life isn’t a popularity contest. The person I am today isn’t the teenager from high school. She isn’t the 35 year old hanging in the hometown bar and she isn’t a reflection of her friends or her MS. She is just herself in the present moment. ❤️❤️❤️❤️