Sad

Sad

yesterday was a bad multiple sclerosis day. I know those happen too. After my rant I posted, I fell. I’m very grateful I didn’t hurt myself but I’m more grateful that the glass vase that broke wasn’t one of the ones my mom painted. I did break a vase and knocked over a vase that held all the fresh lavender I had still from my sister’s wedding 7 years ago.  The little pieces of lavender ended up all over me and the carpet and my daughter helped me vacuum. I sneezed most of the night because even 7 years later that stuff was still very potent if you squeezed it. I’m assuming smashing it into the floor with a vacuum had the same effect. Thank god again my daughter was there to help because again what would I have done. However unfortunately I lost all that lavender that was such a beautiful reminder of my sister’s beautiful day.

I’m sad I’m alone and happy not to be with someone all in one.  Im scared of the what ifs as I train myself not to future trip with A Course in Miracles. I’m scared to be scared. I want more but feel either too tired to get it or don’t know where to begin.  I think I’m mostly sad because I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in a year. I’m doing all this work to make myself feel better, be a better person, be in a better place and I look around and say is this it? A year later, this is it? Days like this I write my blog as a journal. Maybe one other person in this world feels the way I do. Maybe someone else gets it that the universe can send to intercept my path today. Today I will pray for my right mindedness because I DO KNOW it’s only a moment and I’m allowed these moments too.

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