In my defenselessness my safety lies

In my defenselessness my safety lies

I’ve had a blog about this in the past. This is from a course in miracles, and is and always will be my favorite lesson. It was always the hardest lesson for me learn because I am the queen of defense. When someone would say something to me, I always jump to my own defense. If I felt backed into a corner, I would claw my way out. Am I cured, absolutely not, but I’m a 1000 times better.

The meaning behind this, in my interpretation I should say, is if someone’s attacking you and you defend it becomes a circle. Attack, defend, attack, defend. A never ending circle that goes no where. If you listen to the other persons claim, you might see the validity to the conversation. The entire conflict might then become a conversation rather than a fight. I’ll give you an example. My sister is away in beautiful Mexico and I wrote her to remind her about an anniversary. I didn’t ask her how are you, I didn’t ask her how Mexico was, I didn’t ask her one question and she wrote back to me we are having a great time thanks for asking. I could’ve turned around to her and attacked. However, by not doing that I was able to realize and validate she was 100% right. So when I returned her message I apologized. The old Jamie wouldn’t have done that. The old Jamie would’ve immediately said I was trying to tell you something, I was trying to help you, you could have written me to tell me how you were etc. There is a big difference when you lay down your defense.

Today, when I open my course in miracles lesson and realized it was once again in my defenselessness my safety lies, I realized an area that I’ve been defending a lot again lately, my weight. Today is weight watchers. Once again the scale is up, and not even buy a little bit I’m talking up by 5 pounds. Every day I track my food, I am completely in weight watches range, most days I am pinpoint perfect. This week I had a couple of sugar cookies. I have been so unhappy and beating myself up. And when I saw the lesson today I actually laughed because I realize even when I was at my goal weight even when I was below my goal weight, I wasn’t happier than I am now. However, every time I’m above my goal weight I’m unhappy. I’m going to my neurologist next week and I’m gonna go to see my other regular doctor, I know somethings wrong and it’s just gonna take time to figure out what it is. I’m doing all the right things, and again I have to stop beating myself up. I have to stop attacking myself and defending it. I don’t do that with the MS, and I can’t do it with the weight. It is what it is at no fault by me. That’s why I smiled when I saw the lesson today. It was the universe reminding me to let up.

Anyway maybe today you could recognize one area where you can actually not defend yourself. You might be surprised. This lesson is always a work in progress for me. However it still my absolute favorite lesson.

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