What do you say? Is it easy to imagine a different life? A life where you weren't sick. A life where walking wasn't difficult. A life where you can feel if your hair was dry or damp or your clothes are cotton or silk. Each year that goes by the image fades a little more. I've had MS for so long I can't imagine my life without it anymore. The girl who didn't need a walker passed away over 3 years ago. It's hard to remember that girl. It's hard to remember my life as it was back then three years ago let alone 19+ years before I was even diagnosed.
The idea of remembering is pointless and serves me no purpose. It makes no sense but to serve as away of upsetting me mourning a past. What would my life be like without MS? I'd be working still full time. I wouldn't be able to go where I wanted to go when I wanted to go there if I was still working. I was good at my job but didn't love the direction my company was going. I wonder if I'd continue to work there. I wonder if I'd of even been at this job if I was never diagnosed. After all I left the restaurant industry partly because of my diagnosis and partly because of my daughter.
I'm sure I'd still be divorced since my divorce had nothing to do with my MS. I wonder if I might have approached dating differently? I can't imagine so because for a long time I could hide my disease, which I did. The difference would be in the last three years would I have met someone else when I couldn't have hidden it versus never having it. My decision to not date anymore isn't because I couldn't find anyone who wasn't interested in me because of the MS, it was more because I could continue to have the required energy to date.
To imagine the what ifs and what could have been, does nothing. It is WHAT IS. I don't blame my MS for my life. I didn't plan on life going this way for me but this is my hand I was dealt. Life is 10% of what your dealt 90% how you deal with it. So what if I didn't have MS? It's irrelevant because I do and I can't imagine my life any other way. Truthfully I have a pretty good life and there is nothing I regret so I can't complain.