We’ve all said things or did things that we regret, we’re human. It’s very hard to forgive someone who hurt us and even harder to forgive ourselves. We replay the story over and over and over in our heads, punishing ourselves maybe hoping for a different outcome. Definitely trying to justify our actions and why we did whatever we did.
I had a wicked fight with my daughter last week and she didn’t do anything really. We made a deal months ago on something that she reneged on. Since it involved my puppy Zoey, it was a long-term deal. Anyway, I am still battling the Giardia and I needed seven days of no poop eating to heal her, hopefully. Day four, daughter not home, as usual, Zoey was too far from my multiple sclerosis legs, and WHOOSH poopy eating Zoey, reinfected herself yet again. I was just so frustrated and angry and I sent a text. Actually, I think I since about 12 texts, each one getting meaner and meaner. I’m a mom, I’m human, I made a mistake. Not that night but since then I’ve apologized. I’ve talk to her and explained, but I still feel horrible about it. My sister got involved, talk to me about, it once again making me feel horrible.
What can I say? It was done. If I can go back and take the night away, I would but I can’t. I’ve tried to explain as best I could. I think she has moved passed it, now I need to forgive myself and move passed it. I think I’ll punish myself more than she’ll ever punish me for it. I don’t need my sister to tell me it was wrong, I knew I was wrong. A course in miracles tells you to atone and let it go. Forgiveness is the key to everything. Forgiving yourself forgiving others is the key to happiness. This is always been the hardest concept for me. I posted the picture many times, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? There’s many times you have to forgive things from people that have wronged you because holding on to that anger and hurt doesn’t free you, it weighs you down. This is probably my biggest lesson learned in 2016. It was probably my most important lesson learned for myself and forgiving myself for things that I’ve done wrong. Once again I did something wrong. I did my best to tell my daughter the truth, to speak from my place of love, atone for my error, when I recognized my error (or came back from insanity).Now all I can do is forgive myself and learn from it for the future. You can’t change the past so to live in the sadness of what you did wrong doesn’t benefit anyone. My daughter knows she is my world. Part of the anger stemmed from Zoey, part from my limitations with my multiple sclerosis and part is my little girl is going to college in August and I’m going to miss her.