At a nice dinner last night with my parents we briefly talked about my past relationships and any future relationships. I said something that finally was the truth about how I feel. I don’t want to date because I DON’T TRUST MYSELF YET and I don’t know if I ever will. I just know I NEVER WANT TO BE THAT GIRL I WAS AGAIN. Don’t they say abstinence is the best prevention. I made bad choices for myself. My ex-husband I blamed and still blame on me being young. That relationship had its own issues and his combined with mine didn’t make either of us better. The ex-boyfriend he wasn’t very good to me in a lot of areas but I stayed. In turn I wasn’t good to him. The person I became was a shell of a person. I was burned, bruised, broken. My forgiveness that took me months to work on was for my inner peace. I learned a very hard lesson that you can forgive someone but you don’t have to like them. The ex-husband I can talk to easily and we have a child so we will float in and out of each other’s lives until death do us part and that’s fine. The ex-boyfriend I need not or want not to ever see again. If the universe has another plan then I’ll know it will be my test and on that day I hope I will be ready. However, if that day comes, make no mistake there are no lingering feelings of love that may show, it’s the feeling of hate I struggle with. I have nothing to blame for that relationship but my own issues and my own wounds.
A Course in Miracles teaches that a romantic relationship on a spiritual level is one that teaches you and the other person. It will bring you into those situations that will test those wounds and issues you have so that you may get them right and heal. That you may grow spiritually and that your partner may grow as well. Your perfect mate will not avoid these issues but they won’t exploit them either. Your mate will understand them and work with you on your healing. I know I sound so corny but I believe in the course and it has truly helped change my way of thinking on so many things. The romantic relationship aspect I’ve always known would be my hardest to master. Part of the courses teachings is you don’t know who will be your perfect mate because we judge before we know someone. So my first fear is I’ll judge someone to soon. However physical attraction is still apart of it somehow, right? Second your partner can’t be idolized meaning no person is going to make your life completely better. Relationships are for both parties spiritual growth. No person is coming in to complete you. YOU ARE ALREADY COMPLETE. Something I’ve looked for in every relationship. My other half the one who makes my world go round. Third everyone is perfect in the eyes of God or the universe or Holy Spirit etc so how the hell do you know? How do I know I haven’t maybe met and dismissed him? How do I stop judging others? How do I stop clinging to someone or stop them from clinging to me? I don’t want to be someone’s solution anymore. I don’t want to solve someone else’s problems. I don’t want to fight to improve someone else life when they do nothing in return for themselves or me. I want a fully ridden two way street, is that even possible?
I know this about myself, I stayed longer in a relationship than I should out of fear of being alone. I given a lot in a relationship more than I usually get. Sometimes I financially give to create need for them on me. I create an idols in relationships and loose who I am. I get complacent. I accept things that are unacceptable. I let people use me. These are some of my wounds and I am not spirituality strong enough yet to recognize my needs and wants in a loving way. There is still to much fear there. Until I have more strength and surety within myself, I will not date. I’m ok with myself, learning, growing and evolving. I don’t need to add, at this point, the fear and uncertainty to the mix.
I hate this blog post. I hate my thinking. Although I am leaving this post because it is honest and confusing and lost as I feel.