A 10 year reflection life, MS and a world of changes

A 10 year reflection life, MS and a world of changes

imageIt’s my birthday tomorrow. For some reason I woke up a little sad today. I think I actually became sad yesterday. I’m always sad at the middle year marks 25, 35 and now 45.  I took turning 30 and 40 fine. It seems I’m alone in the 5’s.  My divorce started right when I was turning 35.  It was such a monumental change in my life. I was still in my house.  I still have five cats running around. Boomer was still sleeping in a cage at night.  I was still working full-time. I was still having no problems getting around on a day-to-day basis. My biggest problem with MS was overdoing it but I could still walk two and a half miles in the morning for exercise.  I still didn’t even have a tattoo on my body yet. I still had that chip on my shoulder my mother always said I had. I never thought yet about a spiritual path.  My marshmallow wasn’t even born yet. My ex-boyfriend wasn’t someone that I would ever cross paths with at that point in my life.  I didn’t reconnect with high school friends yet on Facebook. I didn’t become close again with my high school friend that would become my closest friend for the next stage of my life. I didn’t end the friendship of the girl, my then closet friend, that I knew since I was 16 years old.  I wasn’t going out every Friday and Saturday nights the local bar. I probably would have a drink once every six months at that point in time. I was overweight by about 50+ pounds. I didn’t exercise every day. My treadmill was more of hanger or closet then a piece of exercise equipment.   My whole life changed at that point. There were some really good changes and there was some really hard things. Do you know that not one birthday was spent with my ex-boyfriend a man I dated to a degree for  4+ years. I’ve really faced every birthday since I turn 35 alone. When I say alone, I mean without a significant other. My family is always around and I’ve had friends celebrate with me but for 10 years no significant other that truly wanted to be there to make the day significant.

This day used to matter so much to me. I used to feel that people had to make this day special for me especially my significant person in my life. I’d feel so sad when I didn’t have someone in my life to celebrate with me or that person made no effort to make the day important.  It’s taking me a leap of faith and spiritual path and finding some peace inside to realize how silly that is.  This birthday is the day a day like any other day. It’s the day I was born into today’s world. In my spiritual  world technically I was here long before and I’ll be here long after. It’s a day that I held so much importance on someone making it special that used to make me sad.  I look back over the past 10 years I look at all the changes that happened and there was a lot that changed and I’m happy. I’m grateful for all the changes that happened.  Each change that had been had a reason. Each change and heartbreak lead me to a different place or a different path that lead me to where my head is now.  It’s led me to this place of gratitude and appreciation of everything around me, of everyone around me. It’s led me to understand tomorrow is my birthday  but I don’t need a parade or declaration from anybody. I’m special every day not just tomorrow.  We are all special not just me. We are all created perfect no one is better no one is worse. I’ve learned so much in the last 10 years.  So much is changed for me.  Some things become more difficult everything with MS. I now no longer work. I have two dogs. I have no more cats. I said goodbye to that negative friends that I have known since I was 16.  I stopped going out to the local bar. I have a wonderful daughter who is going to college next year. I have forgiven the people that have wronged me, I forgiven myself for the people I wronged.   I found peace and love by accepting people for who they are. I’ve become grateful for all the good things that surround my life.  I have accepted that my multiple sclerosis is a part but does not define me.  But most of all in the past 10 years I can look back and know that things happen for a reason. I still might not know all the reasons yet but I’m comforted to know that the reasons are to create the destiny of my best possible outcome. I know that this is only the beginning of my next 10 years.

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